Eighteen years ago when I married DH, our lives stretched out in front of us. We wanted children. I had intentionally broken 4 ribbons at my bridal showers. I miscarried about 10 months after our wedding. Within a year and half after our wedding I was in surgery for abdominal pain. They found a huge ovarian cyst. Thus began a 10.5 year battle with GYN issues, an unknown diagnosis, and dreams lost.
The final straw was when I called the lab on Christmas Eve to find out we were not pregant. Emotionally we could not do it anymore. We attempted a couple of domestic adoptions. They ended with more pain for us. We were done – we had prayed and were semi at peace that we were not going to be parents. We had a great group of friends who allowed us to be part of their children’s lives and they called us “aunt and uncle”. We believed that is what God wanted us to do with our lives – to be a positive influence on children in families around us.
Seeking further healing and peace I attended a retreat at our church where I became friends with a single woman. She, like me, had longed for a family. God had not sent her a husband, but had given her clear guidance that she was to be a mother – a mother to a small child born in China. By that time I had lost all hope of being a parent. I was unwilling to listen to anything she had to say about international adoption. At our 10 anniversary, DH and I renewed our vows and had a full Mass said. We asked my friend to a be a Eucharistic Minister. She had just returned from China with her little daughter, Miss R. I held her in my arms during dinner. A couple of months later, in December, she and Miss R came over to our house for dinner. Miss R wrapped DH around her tiny pinky finger in about 10 seconds flat. I will have to tell that story another time. Our hearts had been softened over the previous couple of months by several different people who were acting as God’s mouthpiece. The day after our dinner with my friend, DH and I, unknown to each other, got on the computer and basically memorized the web page for the agency my friend had recommended. After finally admitting to each other that we were not at total peace with our decision to remain childless we sent for some information from them – including a video tape.
Christmas shopping was underway and my cousin, who was attending college in the upper part of our state, was heading home for her holiday break. As usual, our weather turned on dime and we had a massive snow storm. She and the friends she was traveling with, called and asked if they could crash at our place until the next day when the weather cleared and they could continue on south to our hometown. There was no question that they were welcome. Since DH and I were out and about doing some shopping we met them at the local Wal-Mart, grabbed something to eat, and then headed down to our house. Unknown to us, the package from the adoption agency was waiting in our mailbox. We had not told ANYONE that we were even contemplating this. We are a 1 television family. That meant that we could not watch the long awaited video from the agency. Talk about a long night! I still tease my cousin and her now husband about that night! The evening passed and the next morning they were on their way. We got home from work and eagerly popped in the videotape. It was short, only about 15 minutes long. We both turned to each other and agreed that this was going to be the last Christmas we would spend without a child.
The first week of January we were out applying for passports, getting copies of our marriage license and birth certificates, calling homestudy agencies. I have pictures of it all. I had to have some painful medical procedures done so the doctor would sign off on my medical clearance papers. I remember looking at my mom after one of the procedures and saying “She is going to be worth this, right?” We sent in our paperwork and it was officially logged into China in July of 2001. At that time the wait for referrals was roughly 9 months. We settled in for a normal pregnancy-length-wait. But as we watched referrals come in, we started seeing the wait times get longer and longer. Then September 11 occurred. I cried with my nation for the lives lost. I lived the fear of every American over the loss of perceived security. I also dealt with the fear that my dreams for a family would once again be shattered, and that there would a child, my child, left in the world not knowing the love and security of parents. Time passed. Life after 9/11 settled into a new norm. Referrals from China continued to come in, but they were still slowing down.
I continued to watch the on-line adoption boards, trying to guess when our referral would come in. Then one day in August 2002 my pager went off. I knew referrals were coming in that day, but I was 95% sure that our log in date was not going to be included in this batch. I met DH for lunch and headed back to the parking garage to drive back to my office. As I was climbing into my car my pager went off. I looked down at the number. I thought I recognized the number of one of the nurses that worked with me and figured she was calling in. I dialed the number and the person on the other end of the phone answered with the name of our adoption agency, Then suddenly we were cut off! I jumped out of my car and headed out of the garage where hopefully I would get better reception on my cell phone. We got disconnected again! I called DH and told him to get back down to where we had eaten lunch, we were getting THE CALL! I am not sure how he made it back downstairs so fast, but he was at the door when I got there. We went over to the payphones and I tried to get my fingers to work so that I could dial my calling card number. Finally I made a good connection and told them who I was. I was put through immediately to a woman who had become a very close friend at our agency – our wonderful coordinator, Kate. In her soft voice she said “Hi Nancy, I have some news on your daughter”. The rest of the conversation was a blur. I got name, birth date, where she was – all scribbled on a piece of scratch paper. DH was anxiously looking over my shoulder the whole time I was writing. I hung up the phone. People were passing by me and going on with their everyday lives, and here I had just gotten the news for which I had been waiting for almost 12 years! I was going to me a mother! I wanted to shout it up and down the halls. DH and I shared and a wondrous, shaky hug, then I called my parents. I got mom. When she answered the phone I said something along the lines of “Hi Gramma” – it took her a minute to get what I was saying, then she was excited and asked a ton of questions. I finally got dad at his work and as soon as I said “Hi Grandpa” he knew what was going on. He, too, was excited. To say I got nothing more done that day at work is an understatement. I was basically there only to put out fires and not really get any projects completed. And by the way – the nurse did not call in and I did not have to work night shift that night.
On October 18, my dad’s birthday, we boarded a plane and headed to Chicago and on to Hong Kong, then finally to Guangzhou, China. Not many people can say they celebrated their birthday over the north pole on the way to meet their first grandchild. I have not been able to beat that present yet (except for the Christmas present 2 years later when we were getting ready to travel for EB). It was a long, exhausting plane ride. Whoever came up with putting those little maps on the screen saying where you are in the flight should be banished from society – that is just cruel and unusual punishment to have moved only 1/2 inch in 4 hours! We landed and drove through Guangzhou through the dark to our hotel. The city was ablaze with lights and cars and bicycles and scooters and motorcycles. Dorothy’s line from Wizard of Oz came to mind – “We aren’t in Kansas anymore”. On the bus to the hotel they informed us and the rest of the travel group that we would be meeting our daughters the following day – a day earlier than we had been told! They also handed out sheets with updated information to each family – weight, feeding schedules, daily routines, etc. We got to the hotel room. We were seriously ready to drop, even though we were so excited. It took us several minutes of fumbling to figure out that the key card had to be inserted in a slot in the wall in order for the lights to come on. As the lights came on I looked across the room and there was a small, blue metal crib set up on the other side. It took my breath away. I had never given myself permission to hope that this was actually going to happen. DH took the diaper bag out of my arms, took the blanket that we had carried from home and silently draped it over the end of the crib. We just stood there dumbly smiling at each other. Finally we washed some of the travel away and then stood looking out the window at the city below us, wondering what our little girl was doing at that moment.
The next morning we got up, got dressed, and went down for breakfast The rest of the group was there and we all shared a table and our high emotions. DH went out to find the place to exchange money for the notary fees, and I packed the diaper bag for the 20th time. DH came back in the room to inform me that because it was Sunday, the bank closed early and the hotel did not have enough money to exchange what we needed. I had been relatively calm up until that point. I just about lost it. At that moment a couple of the other families had heard what was going on and came into our room. Between all of us we were able to have enough yuan to meet everyone’s needs. Thus began the bonding of our group. Soon we were all piling into a bus and heading to the government office building. We all rode up to the floor where adoptions take place. I am surprised that the elevator did not get stuck – we were all crammed in there so tightly! No one wanted to wait to take the next car! We sat in a little waiting room right off the elevators. All of us were trying to look so cool, but in reality, every time the elevator doors dinged, we all jumped to see if the girls were there. If any of us had actually looked out the window opposite of the elevators we would have seen the courtyard where the girls really did come in. We were finally ushered into a warm, stuffy conference room. We immediately opened windows and all the families found a spot for all their belongings. We waited, and waited, and waited. We all made puny jokes and waited some more. A couple of the moms started to cry a couple of times. Finally we heard what we had all been waiting for – “The girls are here”. Rowena, our guide, told us exactly what we were supposed to do. We would be called into the other conference room, receive our child, hand our gift bags to the director of the orphanage, and then head back to the other room. Our name was finally called. I have no idea how DH and my parents kept up with me as I fairly sprinted down the hallway to the room with the waiting babies. The door opened and my eyes saw nothing but a small, middle aged woman holding a tiny little girl, standing in the middle of the room. The woman looked at me, looked at the little child and pointed to me saying “Mama”. I froze. Someone encouraged me to step forward and take the child. She was so tiny – much smaller than the 20 lbs I had been told. Her eyes were bright and looking at everything around her. Then they fastened on me and we just stared at each other as I took her into my arms. She never cried, she never fussed, she just looked at me. DH stepped up next to me and this little bundle of girl just looked at him and them at my parents who were very busily snapping pictures. I was encouraged to hand my packages to the orphanage director. It took me a minute to find her – she was in jeans and holding a baby and looked younger than many of the caregivers. She stood and I handed her my gift bags. All I could say through my choked up throat was “thank you”. How you express your appreciation for the gift of a child, of hope that was reborn, of a dream that was realized? There are no words. I could only say “Thank you”. We were hustled back into the first room where we were greeted by cheers and congratulations. I only had eyes for JB. I am so glad that others have shared pictures of their gotcha day moments, because I really have no concrete memory of them. I just remember a tiny, sweaty body with huge brown eyes and a bowl haircut. She never stopped watching all the action around her. DH got some paperwork done and we headed back to the bus. For those that know me IRL, I don’t meet new people easily. I knew that I had to make an effort to connect with the other families in our group so that we could stay in touch for our daughters’ sake. Little did I know, when I turned and spoke to one of the other mothers, that I was saying hello to one of my future best friends. We climbed onto the bus. JB looked out the window for a while, then studied me for a few minutes. I started singing to her and she snuggled down and went to sleep in my arms. I lost a big piece of my heart in that moment.
Back to the hotel. First bottles. More paperwork. Admiring each other’s daughters. Naps. First diaper changes. The rest of the day passed with the tiny details of of new motherhood and international adoption. Finally we headed down to the restaurant for dinner with another family. DH demanded his moment to hold his daughter (I will admit I was more than a little possessive). He sat at the head of the table with her proudly perched on his knee. She surveyed her new family sitting around her (including her new “aunt” and “uncle” and “cousin” also sitting with us). She gurgled, she grinned, she squirmed – then as soon as she felt her diaper shift she wet all over her new daddy. The look on my DH’s face is one that I will never forget. He took her upstairs so they could both clean up. When they returned he promptly placed her back in my lap. She started to explore the silverware and discovered that when they are banged against plates they make a wonderful, musical sound. Finally we all settled into our own rooms. The final bottle of the night was given, jammies were put on and my child was ready for bed. At that moment she looked at us, looked around and realized that nothing is the normal. She had a 45 minute meltdown. While I was so sad and sorry that she had to go through those emotions, I was also happy. She did have an emotional attachment to someone and she was missing her. This was good news for her emotional health. Finally she fell asleep, exhausted, in DH arms. We both stood over her crib and watched her gentle breathing as she slept.
That was 6 years ago. Our wait was the longest it had ever been – 16 months. I thought I was going to go crazy during that time. I have no idea how families are getting through the wait now. But now that I have this child in my heart and in my home, I would not change a thing. God’s timing was and is perfect. DH and I learned many lessons during all those years of waiting. We became stronger individuals and a stronger couple. God knew that we needed her as much as she needed us. Many people think adoption is “second best”. That is just so wrong. When I look back and think what would have happened if I had been able to bear a child, I become filled with fear because we probably would not have looked into adoption at the time JB was ready to go to a home. I would not have her in my life. Life without either of my girls scares me – to not have known their laughter, their sense of humor, their sweet breath as they sleep, their warm snuggles during a storm in the middle of the night, their little secrets whispered into my ear, all the small miracles that make them the individuals they are. My life would never have been complete without these two in it.
JB- thank you for letting me be your Mommy. Thank you for loving me even when I make mistakes. Thank you for being my little girl and letting me call you my baby even though you are a big 7 year old first grader. You brought hope back into my life when I truly had lost it – hope to my future, hope to my dreams, hope in the goodness of other people. You ARE my hope baby. God has done so many wonderful things for both of us. He made sure you were taken care of. He kept you safe and placed people around you who cared for you physically and emotionally. He placed the idea of you in my heart. He gave me a compassionate, loving man to be my husband and your daddy. He took the imperfect parts of your life situation and paired them with the imperfect parts of mine and daddy’s life, and together created the perfection of our family love which is only a glimpse of how much God loves each of us. I love you with everything in my mother’s heart, baby girl. Happy Gotcha Day, sweetheart!
