Things I wish someone had told me…

…before we adopted.   Grown In My Heart  is having a blog carnival this week.  They have asked anyone who has been involved with adoption to post about the things that we wished someone had told us before we adopted.

 ~ That you can do all the reading, attend all the talks and still not be ready to face those first hard times.  And my second adoption was totally different than my first, not only because we obviously were adopting a different child, but also because I was not the same person as I was the first time. 

~ That I would feel “homesick” for my child’s birth country.  There are times that I catch a particular smell, or hear a sound, or see something that takes me right back to China.  I miss the warmth of the people, the wonderful food, the rich history, the different pace of life.  I am not naive enough to deny the fact that my trip was made easier because of my country of origin, but I also recognized something in that culture spoke deeply to my soul.

~ That there would be shadow people living their lives in my family.  Because of the lack of knowledge about birthparents, we can probably never put a face, name, voice or personality with them.  Thus they become shadow people in our lives – people who are very real, who daily influence our family, are always acknowledged, yet never seen.  I was also not prepared to feel such mourning for people I don’t even know.  While my mourning in no way matches that of my daughters’, it is something that I contemplate.  I make scrapbooks for me and for our extended family.  But in my heart I know I also make the books for them – that just in case I someday get the chance to meet them,  they can see how wonderfully these precious people they created developed.

~ That post adoption depression is very real!

~ That people are just downright RUDE!  I had no idea that people felt it was their right to come up and ask the most inappropriate questions IN FRONT OF the girls.  Now that there is further corruption coming out about our daughters’ country of origin adoption program, people come up and ask us about it and question our ethics IN FRONT OF the girls.  You can say pretty much what you want to me, I am a big girl and can either choose to respond or turn and walk away. But  don’t do it infront of the kids – they have enough to process in their lives right now.  I would like the opportunity to discuss these issues with them when they are ready,  and in a setting that is safe and secure to them – no in the middle of a Sam’s Club or a department store!  In other words – BUTT OUT OF OUR LIVES!!!!!! 

~ That there would be people who hold us up to a higher standard than the rest of the general population because we adopted – we are not allowed to have negative thoughts, life is supposed to be perfect (we asked to adopt, right?), we are not allowed to carry our own past and demons with us and continue to work through them (they should all be addressed and worked through before we bring the child home because we are supposed to be perfect parents).  We are scrutinized whenever we have an age appropriate behavior problem in public. 

~ That the Mama Bear instinct would come out when I sense any danger to my children – physical or emotional!  Usually I am very much a wall flower and as non-confrontational as you can get.  But as soon as I sense anything that is wrong, the hair on the back of my neck goes up and I can take on an ignorant toddler or a nasty 350# person and not think twice about it.

~ That my infertility gave me tools to walk with my children as they proceed on their journey in deciding how adoption is going to affect who they are and how they react to all those emotions.   While infertility was the reason we looked into adoption,  it does not mean that the girls are my last resort, second choice.  God used my infertility to mold me into the person that he knew these children would need. 

~ How unworthy I feel at times to have been blessed with these 2 precious lives.  I wake up each day in wonder and curious as to what they are going to do next.  To watch them discover something new, or understand a new concept – it is a miracle. 

~ That bonding is not something that occurs over the first few months of being a family.  Bonding is a lifelong process. 

~ That saying “I don’t know” does not diminish us in our children’s eyes when discussing the blanks that have been left in their life stories.  That crying together with my child is powerful.

~ That Sensory Processing Disorder needs to be addressed early and aggressively.  And that many health providers have never heard of it, so you have to be your child’s advocate and do a lot of self education.

~ That it is a tight-rope walk trying to decide what is age appropriate behavior and what is the result of early life experiences of which I know nothing about.

~ That children are hard on a marriage.

~ That finding balance in life is so very important.

I could go on and on.  But ultimately, there is no perfect piece of advice.  It is on the job training because each child is different, each family is different, and each life story is different.

Balance

I scan a lot of blogs.  I try to read perspectives from all sides of the adoption triad.  I try to understand, I try to learn, I try to apply.  But I have learned that I need to step back, to not read those blogs very often, and to have very thick skin.  If I did not, here are some of the views that would seep into my personality and affect how I interact with the world, namely, my daughters:

Adoptive parents are thiefs.

Adoptive parents do not care about the children, they are just selfish and feel they are owed a child.

Adoptive parents are ruining their adopted children’s lives.

Adopted children will walk around angry with the world at all times.

It is impossible for an adoptive person to acknowledge and cope with the pain of their separation from their first parents.

No matter what I call first parents, it is the wrong thing.

All first parents had their child stolen from them by a totally corrupt system.

That I cannot mention to my children that God had a hand in their adoption because that would give them a warped sense of God.

The list goes on and on.  It is overwhelming to read.  There are blogs out there that complain because people have labeled them “angry” – but when that is the only emotion that is presented to the public on the web…..  

I brought up the emotions that roil in me as I read these blogs to an online friend of mine.  She reminded me that the “happy” ones, the ones that have found a balance in their lives, are not going to be the ones who post – they are too busy living their lives.  Balance – that is a good word for what parenting an adoptive, transracial child is all about.  It is also what is missing from all these blogs I read.  The balance that while there is a lot of hardship, a lot of pain, a lot of corruption, there is also a lot of good.  There are still smiles, there is still laughter.  What I hope to teach my children is that there truly is a balance.  There have been so many cliches about taking the good with the bad, the silver lining in every cloud, not enjoying laughter unless you have tasted the tears – they go on an on.  But ultimately it comes back to the Yin/Yang philosophy of their birth culture – a balance. 

I will be writing about how I am addressing each of these issues in my conversations with the girls.  This is as much an exercise in making sure my thoughts are clear before I continue to share them with the girls as it is sharing my thoughts with anyone.  It is my exercise in balance – to pull the anger and pain towards me without letting it consume me.  I just hope that as I walk this tight-rope of parenting that I can find my balance and guide my girls to find theirs.

OOPS!

Wow – my cousin told me that I needed to write a post, but I did not realize it had been so long since I had last written!  You see, being married to an IT guy and having a fully functional computer is kind of like the cobbler’s kids having shoes.  It does not happen very often!  My computer broke this spring and DH finally got it up and fully functioning where I could download my photos, write blog updates and scrap on all one computer. 

Quick update – we are all here and we are ok.  JB is in second grade and EB is a proud kindergartener!  I am drowning in a sea of papers that they bring home every day.  The school papers are like laundry – they don’t double when there are 2 of them, it quadruples!  Summer was fun, if low keyed.  We did not go on vacation this year because of finances and time constraints, but we did have some really fun evenings with the girls playing with the neightborhood kids.  On the hosttest days there would be on average 2-4 extra kids in my house.  I would not have it any other way – at least I knew where everyone was, what they were doing and that they were safe. 

Fall is here and with it all the birthdays, all the anniversaries that surround the adoptions (the girls could not care less about those days, but I spend a lot of time celebrating in my heart and you all get to hear all about it!)  and the holidays.  It is a busy but fun time.  I will try to get some posts up on different things from the summer, and then of course, you all get to hear all about my sentimental thoughts about the girls as we approach all those mile stones coming in the next few months!

Talk to you soon!