Well, it seems like summer just cools down and suddenly we are in the homestretch of the year, along with the accompanying holidays!   Thank goodness the weather has been pretty good, though, and JB is able to get out and play on the play equipment.  It is doing her a lot of good, moving around when she gets home from school, “reorganizing” as the therapist calls it.  Whatever it is, it usually results in a much calmer evening. 

We are working on the eye excercises.  It is hard to get her to slow down and do them.  I did them the other day, and man, my eyes were so tired!  No wonder JB’s eyes water when she does them.  She brought in her homework from last week and the end of the week tests and she got AWESOME scores.  I am so proud of her.  I have not seen what her math score was, I will have to look that up on line.  She has expressed that she is finding math and science boring.  I need to find a book of easy (really stress the word easy) science experiments that we can do at home.  I know that she would comprehend the importance of these topics if she could see them in action a little more.  If anyone has any suggestions for a book, please let me know!

All the girls in the family got our hair cut the other day.  EB (AKA the Diva)came up to me that afternoon and told me “I want my hair cut short like JB’s.  We want to be “double twins” “.  Well, she stayed true to her word and got 3″ cut off!  It looks adorable with a natural little flip up at the ends.  It is still long enough that she can pull it up in a pony, but it is short enough that it does not get in her face and in her food.  She was a little shy about it at first, because we all made a big deal out of it, but she had a little grin and a sparkle in her eye at the same time. 

Last weekend we had a retreat at church for all the little ones receiving reconcilliation for the first time.  It was a fun filled afternoon. JB LOVED having DH and me all to herself all day.  EB spent the night before at my parent’s house.   She made a craft, we sang songs, we played games, we spent some time in quiet in front of our Lord.  JB appears to have gotten a lot out of the entire experience.  She also has become friends with a little girl in her CCD class.  JB invited her and her family to sit with us at Mass after the retreat.  Next week will be JB’s first reconcilliation.  Please pray for her during these final few days of preparation.  Pray that she will feel comfortable and find peace in this wonderful Sacrament.  Pray that she will draw closer to God with the experience of His forgiveness and unconditional love. 

Well, we had our second therapy session on Tuesday.  I have decided that I am going to have to take off at 6AM to travel the 15 miles to get the hospital.  Man, traffic was awful! 

Anyway, back to the therapy session.  They started JB on the swing.  This is a roughly 2.5×4 foot padded board with ropes at all 4 corners which join together on a spring and then the spring is connects to a single rope that is attached to the ceiling (think one of those tire swings where the tire is parallel to the ground).  I was curious to how JB was going to react to this.  She climbed on and Ms M (the therapist) started pushing her.  Not only does the swing go back and forth, it also moves around and around.  This is interesting.  I watch JB closely because I know that she is not that thrilled with spinning things that she does not control.  She got very somber, but did not say anything.  I continued to watch her.  She kept moving her head to keep it in one position.  I finally asked her if she was spotting.  She said yes.  Now, I am not talking about finding a spot and then whipping her head around to find that spot again.  I mean she found a spot and never took her eyes off it!  The spinning got a little harder (overall it was honestly very mild and gentle) and JB starts moving herself around the swing, once again keeping her eyes on one space.  No matter how fast that swing moved she kept spinning her body on that board so that she kept her head facing the same direction, to the point that she fell off the swing a couple of times.  It was only about 8 inches off a padded floor.  Ms M was really impressed with JB’s coping skills, exhibited by her body spinning.  She said in all the time that she has been a therapist she had never seen a child do that. 

Next we moved into one of the therapy rooms.  She continued to do some testing with some worksheets.  After getting settled on her “wiggle seat” JB approached the worksheets with a lot of seriousness.  Then we moved on to some activities on the computer.  These were activities aimed at strengthening JB’s connection between what she sees and how her mind perceives it.  For example, she has a very difficult time looking at a partial picture and determining what the shape is supposed to be. She also has a lot of difficulty looking at a shape and then determining what it would look like if you tipped it over or what a mirror image would look like.  Ms M explained it to me that there are a couple of things at work here.  One is that she has a rough time settling down due to her SPD, which is really helped with her wiggle seat.  She has also not developed the appropriate pathways between her brain and her eyes, so there are times that what she sees in school is not really what her brain computes.  We are also looking at making sure her eyes are truly working together and that one eye is not significantly stronger than the other.  Both of these conditions can contribute to JB having trouble focusing on her school work.  After the exercises on the computer, JB said that her eyes were tired and felt watery.  She also blinked a lot during them as well.  JB has expressed that sometimes it appears that the words on a page are moving around.  We (DH and I) as well as Ms. M are going to carefully monitor her vision to determine if she needs further evaluation with a developmental eye doctor.  So we ended the session with “homework” to do more of the exercises on the computer at least every other day. 

I struggled about posting this publicly or password protected.  I kept fairly clinical so that I did not reveal any extreme personal information about JB.  But I felt that it is important that people researching SPD realize that it takes so very many forms.  It affects people in so many ways.  Not only is JB a typical sensory seeker, she also has other sensory issues that are probably a result of the “normal” pathways not developing during the typical developmental time frames.    The other thing I want to seriously emphasize is that it can be treatable.  JB has only had 2 actual therapy sessions and I can really see her self-confidence blossom.  I can also see her beginning to use some of the coping skills she has been taught in therapy.  I am so proud of my girl. 

On the ride to her school we sang songs, quizzed spelling words and giggled – a lot!  Therapy is allowing us to have some quality one on one time with each other during the drive.   I need to have DH take her a few times so that he can meet Ms M and give her his input of what he sees in her behavior.  But, even though I intensely dislike early mornings, I hate downtown traffic during early rush hour, I will miss those fun times with my girl in the car on those days when DH takes her.

I am starting to put together my 2009 album (hopefully it will be done before the girls graduate from college!).  This was taken at the beginning of January when the girls wanted to go outside and play in the snow.  We don’t normally have a lot of snow, but January gave them plenty to play in.

TaylorMade – Life+Sprinkles
TaylorMade – From the Heart vol II brushes
Elegant Wordart – word art

The picture was taken in 2007.  EB was quietly laying on the couch and just had a look in her eyes that I see so often.  I was glad I was able to catch a picture of it. 

When I look into your eyes, I wonder what you see.  What do you think of when you look at me so deeply?  What is it that you ponder when you turn serious?  What goes on in your mind when the sparkle leaves your eyes?  What issues require your full attention?  What cpatures your imagination?  What memories remain inside of you?  What hopes and dreams fill your thoughts?  As I sit and watch you look out at the world, I want to know what you are thinking,.  I want  to understand your point of view.  I want to understand your feelings and  perceptions.  But since I can’t look into your head, I have to settle for asking… What Do You See?

Template – zora from Simple Scrappers
Black paper from Ztampf – compilation 1
Paper strips – from LaurasKathie – Rosie
action on title – from Atomic Cupcake

My goodness, this week has gone on forever!  At least that is what it feels like.  I guess it is just that the week has been so busy.  We have been watching our neighbor’s children after school a few days a week because her husband is out of town and she can’t get home from work in time to get the kids off the bus.  They are really no trouble.  The girls really like having someone to play with right after school.  JB had therapy early Tuesday.  Last night we had visitors in our bedroom – not one, but 2 of them, one of which decided that early morning is a great time to serenade everyone.  Today DH had a tooth extracted.  I drove him to and from the oral surgeon’s, got his meds filled, then worked the rest of the day, the kids (including the neighbor’s) got home, ate dinner and then went for a meeting at school.  JB’s teacher held a meeting for all interested parents in ways to help the kids with their homework, letting us know the terms she is using the classroom so that when JB comes home talking about something I understand what she is saying, ways to incorporate learning into everyday activities, and 2 pages of websites for parents and for kids full of games, worksheets, flashcards and other information.  I stayed for a few minutes after the meeting and talked to her about JB’s therapy and to get some tips from her for helping JB with her homework.  Then I ran into the art teacher and stood and talked with her for quite awhile.  The meeting started at 6:30 and I did not get home until 8:30.  Tomorrow is just as packed and then the weekend will be busy with running EB to my parent’s house for a sleep over so we can go to JB’s retreat in preparation for her first reconcilliation.  I am ready for a day to sleep in and do nothing!  So far, looking at my schedule, I am not seeing that in my near future. 

I know it sounds like I am complaining.  I honestly am not.  I am busy.  I am tired.  I am feeling a little overwhelmed.  But I think back to those days when we had lost all hope of having children, and I am so thankful that I have the chance to be so busy with healthy, thriving children.

Today was JB’s first therapy appointment.  It is very early – 0730, as in 7:30 AM, as in my eyes are barely open by that time on a normal day, let alone have I showered, driven 30 minutes and spoken civil words to my DH or children.  But we were there!!!!  The best part, this therapy time won’t make her lose any class time in school.  The second best thing is that the therapist that we got is the same one who did the evaluation and we all really clicked together!  So now the stage is set for a great therapy session.  As she is having JB work on some sheets to evaluate her visual comprehension, she started telling me about a conference that she went to just after our initial evaluation which addressed all the challenges that JB exhibited during her evaluation.  She said she had some new tests for her and some great new therapies “so you don’t have to see me forever”.  I am just so thankful that God moved everything the way he did. In talking with the therapist, 2 other families had been offered this therapy slot and the time had not worked out for them.  There are therapists in the clinic still out on medical leave, so our therapist was the one that was assigned to JB.  It is all just working out so perfectly. 

Not only that, I scored some serious mom points with JB this morning.   I stayed up and fixed congee last night (Chinese rice gruel/soup).   When we adopted her, her first “solid” food was a banana and some congee.  She has loved it ever since.  I have spent the last 7 years trying to come up with the “perfect” recipe.  I think I really nailed it last night.  JB ate 1.5 bowls of it for breakfast.  Then I got lots of hugs from her, too.  Not too bad a deal, as far as I am concerned. 

EB has changed over the last 2 weeks – her maturity level is growing, her confidence is growing, and she learned a new skill – the child can now skip!  I have spent several days, as has her sister, trying to teach her to skip.  She could only gallop.  One day she came up to me and said “Look, Mommy, I can skip”.  Sure enough, she was skipping!  Now she skips everywhere.  I know it is a little thing, but this child has come so far with her physical abilities.  This is a child who would stand on the edge of a step, bounce like she was going to leap off , and then either fall down on her bottom or just step off until she was almost 4.  She just started to hop on one foot in the last year.  Now this chickie is crossing the monkey bars, skipping, doing flips off the bar on the swingset, and generally giving me heart failure.  I am so proud of her! 

Thankfully I am about to complete the never-ending vacation scrapbook from the summer of 2008.  Once that is done I am so ready to start working on some other fun things!  I am so far behind in my scrapbooking I am not sure I am ever going to be able to catch up.  But I have learned a lot doing the vacation book, and I have had fun doing it, so that is all that matters. 

Well, that is all that is going on around here.  Hope you all have a great day!

I went back and read my last few posts  – boy were they serious!  I think it is time to lighten things up a little.

I found this great site called Childzilla (www.childzilla.com).  You can do online chore charts and the kids can fill them in on line, earn points and then earn prizes.  Right now the points are all the incentive my girls need.  They fight over who gets to sign on first and who has the most points.  I have some streamlining of our list to do, but so far it is really working well.  Check them out! 

I have started to work on getting my digital scrapbook things organized and getting to work on some pages.  I am glad that I am taking the time to do this – it is great for my mental health.  I have a couple of gifts that I am working on and they are really making me smile and enjoy myself.  (Yes, S, one of them is your wedding album!)

Mostly my life recently has been filled with math worksheets, brownie and daisy scout meetings, working, reading to EB, and generally loving my girls and my life.   Here are some pictures of the girls.  You will see them again when I finally get them scrapped, but I thought they were too cute not to share!

Back in April of 2008 I was really struggling with the reality that another adoption is probably not in our future.  I created this layout at that time and shared it only with some close adoptive friends.  This is the first time that I have felt confident enough to share with the bloggy world.

There are people out there, if they read the journaling on this page, who would be angry that I would request a child of a specific gender.  While the decisions that DH and I make are exactly that, our decisions, I would like to clarify our thought process in a miniscule effort to decrease the amount of anger out there in the adoption world.  I always said, long before I was married, that I wanted to have sons instead of daughters.  I was not a pleasant teenager.  I really did not want the mother’s curse to be visited upon my head.  Second, I had much more experience with baby and toddler boys because most everyone I babysat for as I grew up had boys.  When we were trying to conceive,  the joke was that I wanted boys and DH wanted girls – but honestly, we did not care, we were just praying for a healthy child.  When it became clear to us that God’s plan was for us to expand our family through adoption we once again did not care what gender the child was, only that we would have the skills and knowledge to provide the best home possible for the child.  We prayed for a child that needed us as much or more than we needed him/her.  When it became clear to us that China was where we were to seek out a child, it was a foregone conclusion that the child would be a female because of the social situation in China.  After we had adopted both of our daughters, we felt that we were being called to adopt a special needs child from China.  The special needs that were identified were within the skill set that we had to care for the child.  During our time in looking for a pre-identified child, it became apparent that many of the children who needed medical care and a family were actually boys.   But if we had been guided to a little girl with special needs, there would have been no question that we would have welcomed a boy or a girl with equal joy and love and devotion.  So while the layout does refer to an empty frame and a boy – it is actually an empty frame representing the hole we feel there still is in our family.  Will it be filled?  I don’t know.  Maybe God is telling us that we need to seek out a child somewhere else in the world other than China.  Maybe we will be led to sponsor children in China so they can receive medical care and find homes within China.  At this time our future regarding this situation is not clear.  We continue to hope for an adoption.  But more importantly, we seek to find God’s path for our family.

Layout Credits:                                                                                                                         Kit – Designing on the Edge (no designer name given or TOU with the kit
Chinese Character – From Little Treasures Templates

Has anyone noticed that we humans are usually not content with what we have been blessed?  Does anyone else think about that one other thing they wish they could add to their life?  I will be the first to say that I am very guilty of that.  In fact, that was one of the things that I beat myself up over during our infertility struggle.  I had (and still have) a wonderful husband, a job that pays the bills, family and friends that love me (though heaven knows why some days), a place to live, a car to drive and food to eat and the freedom to worship and live my faith.  But I wanted more, my heart and arms felt empty and I did not know how to stop that longing.  I kept thinking that I should be content with what I had been given.  I went so far as to apologize to God for not being grateful enough for the things He had given me.  It took me a long time, a lot of tears, some painful medical tests and procedures and 2 trips to China to realize that it was not just me being ungrateful, it was a yearning that God had placed in my heart.  I just needed to shut up long enough and listen to what He was trying to tell me.  But without those struggles I would not have learned the lessons I needed to gain some of the tools that my girls would need their mother to have to help them navigate the waters of being adopted and growing up in a transracial family.

One day DH and I started to panic at imminent danger of our children going naked from lack of clothing.  Then we remembered that we had several tubs of very nice hand-me-downs from family and friends that we had put away because they were too big for the girls.  We pulled those out.  In order to actually find those tubs, though, we had to wade through the tubs of outgrown clothes.  We hauled all of it down into our living room and started sorting.  3 evenings later we were finally, sort of, part way done.  We found enough clothing to avert our children starting a nudist colony.  We also found a lot of clothes that brought back a lot of memories.  The outfit a friend a showed up at our door carrying the day she heard about our referral.  The outfit that JB wore her first Christmas with us.  Squeaky shoes that we had bought in China.  The outfits that we had purchased in China because none of the clothes we had packed for either trip had fit!  The Halloween costume that my best friend had given us that JB wore the day after we returned from China.  So many memories wrapped up in such tiny pieces of fabric.  We sorted all of those clothes according to size and packed it up and stacked it in the corner of my office.  I had a friend with little ones and had her come over and go through the clothes.  She took a sack full of clothes, but there were still so many left.  Those clothes sat stacked in my office for almost 1.5 years.   In the meantime  the crib was taken down and cannibalized for hardware - no one had slept in it for several years and it was actually starting to fall apart anyway.  DH dismantled the toddler bed since EB had been in a big girl bed since she was 4. 

Finally there was enough stuff stacked in my office that there was danger of bodily harm if  it suddenly shifted and fell on one of the girls.  It was time to do something.  We loaded all of those clothes and all of those shoes and took them over to the abused women’s shelter in our town.  We explained to the girls, as gently as possible, why there was a need for this shelter and why there was a need for the clothes we were donating.  Both girls pitched right in and helped unload the truck.   Then came the hardest part, getting into the truck and driving away from all of those clothes.   It was not because I felt that we were giving them to an unworthy cause – on the contrary, I was trying to figure what other closets I could clean out to help these people who had the courage to face a new life with absolutely nothing but the clothes they were wearing.  It was not because I thought my girls could ever wear them again – they couldn’t, though EB gave it a good try!  It was because I was letting go of a dream. 

We always thought we would adopt 3 children.   And when we had talked about going back to China for the third child, we had decided that we were going to seek out a special needs boy.  So it was not like I was saving the clothes for that child.  But with China’s adoption rules changed we are unable to return there for our third child.  With our advancing years,  we are aging out of other international programs.  So by giving up these clothes I was  symbolically giving up our dream of that last child.   I know that God has a plan for everything, and that His timing is perfect.  I don’t discount the fact that God has a seriously odd sense of humor, either.  But right then, as I walked away from those clothes,  I left some of my heart and a lot of my dreams behind. 

I have a wonderful husband.  I have two beautiful children.  I have a house that has indoor plumbing, heat and windows.  I have food to place on my table.  I have wonderful people in my life who still love me.  But  I still  want – I want one more child.  Is this my desire or is it one placed their by God?  I don’t know at this point.  All I know is my heart aches at times.  Then I hear someone screeching at her sister, or I have to mop up tears because someone was “fired” from her group of friends, or I have to negotiate the politics of giving one attention without disturbing the sleeping jealousy beast and I thank God that I have been entrusted with these two precious little girls.  But still, in the deepest recesses of my heart, I know there is a place where I continue to hope, where I continue to dream…